And THIS is Why I Need Some Anonymity

Because I am a completely useless and depressed idiot. I blame myself for this mess we're in. I should blame him, too. But, really, if I had just been able to keep it together we'd be doing just fine financially right now. Instead, I'm completely fucked up right now and I don't know how to fix it.




The Story Behind Our Dual Unemployment


First in this story is my husband. He is an amazingly talented artist. And yet, he can't find work doing what he loves. Why? Because he doesn't have a degree to go with the talent. Truly, I am not lying when I say that he has more talent and skill in his little toe than most college graduates with graphic design degrees. But, can he support his family doing this? Obviously not. So, for over 3 years now he has sat at home with our children, completely unemployed. As well as completely incapable of selling himself as a freelance artist. For some reason, he has it in his head that he can sell anything but himself. So therefor, he refuses to even try.


Then there's me. I know part of the issue here is that I've always been the constant. Always been the one with stable employment. Well, this pressure has finally taken its toll on me and I've just fallen apart. Add to that the fact that I most recently worked for a complete and utter asshole who has no respect for women in the work place and I couldn't stick it out anymore. I had to leave that position before I went postal on his ass and that of everyone else within my department. It truly didn't help that the environment in which I worked was not a healthy one by any means. The negativity that flowed (and still does flow) through this workplace is so thick it can be cut with a knife. All day, every day, it was constant foul mouthed bitching about the company, the "customers", the management. Everything.


See, I'm very empathic. In my 30's now and I have yet to figure out how to block out other peoples emotions. I feed off of them and I can't help it. So, when someone near me is in a rotten mood, I feel it physically and it affects me. And then the physical turns emotional. I can't handle it. By the time I realize what's going on, it's too late and I've been ambushed by no other than my own damned self because I don't know how to keep to myself.


I ended up having to quit my job because I could handle neither the management nor environment any longer. I was sincerely suicidal. Towards the end, I sat at my desk crying most of the day. I kept thinking about how easy it would be to just step in front of a commuter train. When that line of thinking started in I knew it was time to go. However, I didn't do it very smartly. I thought for sure I was going to find a job right away - this has never been an issue for me in the past. What I didn't anticipate was my absolute need to recover and how long this recovery process would take. And I am far, far from feeling whole and healthy again.


For the past 10 years, I have spent, now, only about 6 months unemployed. While my husband has spent more than half of the past 10 years unemployed. I have worked hard. Harder than I should have had to through 2 pregnancies and taken measly 6 and 7 week maternity leaves. I haven't had a break. A real and truly relaxing break just to LIVE ... Well, ever. It's my turn now. Shouldn't it be??? I think so.


Right now, I'm just so amazingly tired. I want a new life. I want a new husband. Can I turn this one in for a more ambitious, harder working model? I've put my time in. I deserve it! I've spent 10 years supporting my family. Hell, I spent my teenage years supporting my mom and younger siblings. When I was a senior in high school, I was the only person in the house with a job. It was only part time, of course, but anything Mom didn't have the cash for was paid for by me.

I have spent my life taking care of everyone else but me. And when I try to take care of me I am made to feel like I'm being selfish. But, how can I continue to take care of everyone else when I am no longer whole? At this point I feel as if there is nothing left of ME. I don't know who I am anymore. Mostly, I just want to cry. And sleep. And cry some more. Yes, this is indeed clinical depression. I am quite well aware of that. I also suffer from severe anxiety. I am on Prozac - 60mg a day. So, obviously, there is more that needs to be done to work through this. Unfortunately, we are 100% broke right now. It is the 13th of the month and we haven't paid rent because we're a couple hundred dollars short. Last month we had 2 kid birthdays and you know what they got? I baked and decorated the cake that they asked for. And my in-laws sent their gifts ahead of time so that they could have them to open up on their special days. It's better than nothing but ... It just sucks.

I am really not at all done with this train of thought right now but, it's 2am and I really must sleep. Children get up early. You know how it is, right? I mean, it's not like I get any help from the spousal unit with the kids in the morning. Since being home, I have kid duty 98% of the time and when I want to take a break for whatever reason, I get a guilt trip. But, then, that's not so new. The guilt trip for needing "Me" time has always been there.

Sleep...and more tomorrow.