And THIS is Why I Need Some Anonymity

Because I am a completely useless and depressed idiot. I blame myself for this mess we're in. I should blame him, too. But, really, if I had just been able to keep it together we'd be doing just fine financially right now. Instead, I'm completely fucked up right now and I don't know how to fix it.




The Story Behind Our Dual Unemployment


First in this story is my husband. He is an amazingly talented artist. And yet, he can't find work doing what he loves. Why? Because he doesn't have a degree to go with the talent. Truly, I am not lying when I say that he has more talent and skill in his little toe than most college graduates with graphic design degrees. But, can he support his family doing this? Obviously not. So, for over 3 years now he has sat at home with our children, completely unemployed. As well as completely incapable of selling himself as a freelance artist. For some reason, he has it in his head that he can sell anything but himself. So therefor, he refuses to even try.


Then there's me. I know part of the issue here is that I've always been the constant. Always been the one with stable employment. Well, this pressure has finally taken its toll on me and I've just fallen apart. Add to that the fact that I most recently worked for a complete and utter asshole who has no respect for women in the work place and I couldn't stick it out anymore. I had to leave that position before I went postal on his ass and that of everyone else within my department. It truly didn't help that the environment in which I worked was not a healthy one by any means. The negativity that flowed (and still does flow) through this workplace is so thick it can be cut with a knife. All day, every day, it was constant foul mouthed bitching about the company, the "customers", the management. Everything.


See, I'm very empathic. In my 30's now and I have yet to figure out how to block out other peoples emotions. I feed off of them and I can't help it. So, when someone near me is in a rotten mood, I feel it physically and it affects me. And then the physical turns emotional. I can't handle it. By the time I realize what's going on, it's too late and I've been ambushed by no other than my own damned self because I don't know how to keep to myself.


I ended up having to quit my job because I could handle neither the management nor environment any longer. I was sincerely suicidal. Towards the end, I sat at my desk crying most of the day. I kept thinking about how easy it would be to just step in front of a commuter train. When that line of thinking started in I knew it was time to go. However, I didn't do it very smartly. I thought for sure I was going to find a job right away - this has never been an issue for me in the past. What I didn't anticipate was my absolute need to recover and how long this recovery process would take. And I am far, far from feeling whole and healthy again.


For the past 10 years, I have spent, now, only about 6 months unemployed. While my husband has spent more than half of the past 10 years unemployed. I have worked hard. Harder than I should have had to through 2 pregnancies and taken measly 6 and 7 week maternity leaves. I haven't had a break. A real and truly relaxing break just to LIVE ... Well, ever. It's my turn now. Shouldn't it be??? I think so.


Right now, I'm just so amazingly tired. I want a new life. I want a new husband. Can I turn this one in for a more ambitious, harder working model? I've put my time in. I deserve it! I've spent 10 years supporting my family. Hell, I spent my teenage years supporting my mom and younger siblings. When I was a senior in high school, I was the only person in the house with a job. It was only part time, of course, but anything Mom didn't have the cash for was paid for by me.

I have spent my life taking care of everyone else but me. And when I try to take care of me I am made to feel like I'm being selfish. But, how can I continue to take care of everyone else when I am no longer whole? At this point I feel as if there is nothing left of ME. I don't know who I am anymore. Mostly, I just want to cry. And sleep. And cry some more. Yes, this is indeed clinical depression. I am quite well aware of that. I also suffer from severe anxiety. I am on Prozac - 60mg a day. So, obviously, there is more that needs to be done to work through this. Unfortunately, we are 100% broke right now. It is the 13th of the month and we haven't paid rent because we're a couple hundred dollars short. Last month we had 2 kid birthdays and you know what they got? I baked and decorated the cake that they asked for. And my in-laws sent their gifts ahead of time so that they could have them to open up on their special days. It's better than nothing but ... It just sucks.

I am really not at all done with this train of thought right now but, it's 2am and I really must sleep. Children get up early. You know how it is, right? I mean, it's not like I get any help from the spousal unit with the kids in the morning. Since being home, I have kid duty 98% of the time and when I want to take a break for whatever reason, I get a guilt trip. But, then, that's not so new. The guilt trip for needing "Me" time has always been there.

Sleep...and more tomorrow.

Drunken Blog Entry

As if last night's entry wasn't enough. This is a fully drunk blog entry. I have had a 32oz bottle of Milwaukie's Best Ice beer ($1.59 + $.05 deposit at a local mini mart), 1/3 bottle of seriously bad red wine and one Oxycontin. Yes, my cramps are that bad. I hate that bitch AF. She can suck my husbands left AND right nut for all I care. Cause, honestly, I don't really want to. His shit stinks too much down there for me to want to suck it. I mean, the only time I want my face anywhere near his nether regions is when he is FRESH out of the shower. And yet, it's all he can ever fucking talk about. Fine, what-the-fuck-ever. He can talk about it. Doesn't mean I'm gonna do it.


Anyway, so, yeah, I'm drunk. Been a long assed fucking day and this day didn't turn out the way I originally anticipated it to turn out. I didn't end up going to the "friend's" house to work for her today. Instead, I ended up getting called out to flag today. For those who are not familiar with flagging, this is traffic control around construction sites and I am certified to flag in 5 different states. Yay me. This was the first time I've been called out to work in over a month. Hence the "I'm unemployed" post this morning. My husband is certified to flag, too. I tried to get him to go, but, being the pansy that he is, he didn't want to. So I did it. In subfreezing temperatures.Yes, I am more a man than he is. Hmph.


So, yeah, I am indeed very intoxicated. Wishing I were more so, honestly. I need more booze. But I know better, even in this drunken state, than to add liquor to the mix after beer and wine and all I've got left right now is Southern Comfort (which I really don't think I'll ever be able to drink again...).


What shall I write about now? Hang on, lemme go ask a friend....


OK, so he says I should write about my posing nude for a photoshoot. Yes, I have done this. But, it was my husband shooting the photos. It was a shoot I WANTED to do. In fact, it was my idea! I am not by any means a small woman. OK, so I'm short at only 5'4" tall but I'm not small body wise. I am at just over 180lbs and a size 14. I wanted to show that even a size 14 is beautiful and I truly believe I have done so. I wish I could show you all these amazing photos, but, alas, they show my face. And, I truly cannot show you those. Because, you know, where would my anonymity be then???


So, I've told you that I have no problems posing nude. I mean, honestly, I m an exhibitionist. I love showing my body off. And, mostly, it has served me well. I know how to fight off the pervs who aren't interested in ME, and those who are interested in more than just my curvaceous body, well, they get to become fantastic friends. Oh, but please don't get me wrong! I have never nor will I ever cheat on my husband. I do love him. Even though most of the time I want to knock his block off.


Yeah, OK, I think I should go to bed now. Good night my dearest lovelies. Please do comment if  you feel the need. I LOVE feedback!

What am I doing today?

Both my husband and I are unemployed at the moment (I'll get into that in a later post). So, to help get through these rough financial times, I am going to help out a friend of a friend (though she's quickly becoming my friend as well) doing some domestic work. This friend recently had major surgery and is unable to do any housework. She can't bend or stand for long or do any kind of lifting. So, she's paying me $12/hr to clean her house, help sort through and clean up clutter and, well, anything else she needs done. I am not too proud to do this and I wish for all that is good in the world that my husband could take my lead and go get a shitty job just because it will help pay the bills. Asshole....

For the love of all that's holy...

PLEASE DON'T TOUCH MY NIPPLES!!! Seriously. I can't even begin to tell you how much I don't enjoy this unless you're inside me and are using YOUR MOUTH.

I'm not kidding. I don't know how it is that I have been married to this man for over 8 years, together for 10 and yet he still hasn't figured it out. Tweaking my nipples only succeeds in pissing me off. It's been that way for like my entire sexual life. I hated it when boyfriends in high school decided they wanted to pay attention to only my nipples. I hated it with a passion when my ex-husband did it and, yes, I do still hate it now.

My ex-husband had an affinity for the sneak attack in the car. We'd be driving along and all of a sudden his hand would whip out and tweak a nipple. Yeah. He never did learn that lesson. Smacks. Slaps. Screams. Nothing stopped it. So, I got insanely good at ultimate blocking of said sneak attacks. Even with poor vision I still have excellent peripheral vision and saw the sneak attack from a mile away and was able to block them.

Now, with a man I truly DO love, I still have to block. And try my damnedest not to get pissed off at him when he does it. Try. It doesn't work, though. I still get pissed off. I really only like my nipples to be touched when he's inside me. We have to be in the heat of it and really going for it and then it just brings me to climax even faster. But any other time? Forget it asshole. Don't fucking touch them!!!

How is it that this man is so daft that after 10 years he hasn't figured out that just KISSING me is all he really does need to do to get me in the mood? And somehow, he thinks that it's his God given right to be able to touch my boobs at any time because I let him give me his last name. Sorry buddy, my body is still my body. You don't own me! You don't own this body!

Am I alone here? Seriously, I can't be the only woman who hates to have her nipples tweaked. PLEASE TELL ME I'M NOT ALONE. Otherwise, maybe I need some more therapy..............

The Mystery Mommy is Here!

I have another blog. I won't deny that. But, I am finding more and more that I need a bit more anonymity with my writing. In fact, I have found that I can't seem to find my voice these days due to the automatic audience that anything I write will have. There are things that I need to get out of my head and my heart that I do not necessarily wish for certain people to know is coming from me.

So, I am, for now, The Mystery Mommy and these are my chronicles.